I’ll borrow my grad school classmate’s report title from tonight’s class (thank you mam L, haha) and I’ll let it sit with me awhile as I think about a lot of things tonight.

Loneliness is a subjective emotional state, literature says, and it is a function of perceived actual versus desired levels of social connections/ connectedness (and/or social isolation).

You may read on John T. Cacioppo’s work on ETL if you want to know more about why being alone is not being lonely, and why it can also be lonely in marriages or friendships or communities or very crowded places.

The brain is at the heart of it (oh the irony, get it? brain, heart? haha), but of course we know why. And I’ll always be at awe at how complex and intricate and tedious the brain works for all things, and all sorts of people, every single, different day.

And I’ve been thinking if I’ve been more exhausted than lonely, overall, all my life. Haha. I might have been. 😵 And I’ll answer that tonight as I finish another pile of journals to read (if I am not sleepy after this). 😵‍💫

I remember my brother visiting my apartment the other week. He liked the whole place and he told me he sincerely hopes I find somebody to fix the unfinished and unassembled table that I kept at the side of the sofa because I’ve been very busy with life lately. I laughed out loud saying that that shouldn’t be a valid reason for finding someone. But at the same time I kinda felt a tinge of sadness at the thought of it. <insert crowd “awwh” sound effect>😭😅

My life has been happy, I know it, really. Or maybe it hasn’t been but I’ve just found a way to look at things, bad or good (mostly bad haha) with acceptance in my heart. My own quiet struggles far outweigh my many many wins. I’d have been constantly hard pressed and distressed if I’d kept on thinking about what I lack (which are so many), and if I did not have the family, the friends, and the communities that far outshine my many misfortunes.

So I’ve learned how important it is to, each day, choose what things to confront and what to forgive, and what all other things to let be. Every day has to be a decision to be the kinder person, and to not be too hard on myself; I owe it to my own heart so it can keep loving.

But well yah, I also always wonder why I can’t seem to find somebody to share this silly, funny and happy life with, and then maybe make it sillier or happier or funnier or better. 🥺

Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s not. haha.

There’s been BTS and Seventeen and all other HYBE KPop groups that make me giddy happy, yes, I’m way down the rabbit hole. 😅 They have helped me cope a lot and made life more fun, so I’m truly, truly thankful for my Korean boys.🫶

But why did I actually spare some time really thinking about our class tonight on loneliness? IDK, maybe I need to?

I honestly don’t know if I really need the whole stereotypical set design– e.g. marriage etc. etc. I don’t also know if I’m cut out for all of that shizz, and if I even have enough time for the whole spectacle of adulting. haha 🤔

Ahhhh. But these are things that we should still think about, right?

*Sigh* I’ll write these down as hypothetical questions for me and the universe to quietly answer at a discrete corner somewhere, some other time.

And why Doc (our teacher), had put this up in the course outline for advanced developmental psychology, I’ll never know. haha. I mean, I know why why but I don’t know why I had to take the class now at this particular point in my life. 😅 You get what I mean?

Maybe this is really why I took the PhD haha– to find and love myself better and fully, in the process, however the theories and evidence based literature make an outlier out of me. 🥹

Ahhh, let’s live one good day at a time, my friends.

I sincerely hope you don’t feel lonely today and always.
Please check on your friends.
Sending lots of love and light. 💗✨