I’m relieved at how I can I laugh now, at the many things that remind me of how the days had turned out to be.
But I guess it feels nicer and more comforting to find yourself in a really, really better place, some unbelievably long months, and a million goddamned moments thereafter.
It has not been easy, really–
Recovering time, energy, self-esteem, self-respect, and pieces of yourself you so willingly offered up for the taking.
Believing (and not believing) things anymore, unlearning, forgetting,
Taking one heavy step at a time,
Bearing pain and shame and confusion and regret, and everything that came and changed in a day, which were all so abrupt and F’d up.
And getting back on your feet again because there was no one else that could do that for you.
And then you still had to take it all like a real (wo)man (yes, me, I did that)–
From pointing things out, to speaking your mind,
To asking for truths, to seeking your own peace,
To showing up to the life that you had left even if it felt impossible to do so,
To crying every night (and on workdays in the bathroom) until there was nothing else left to cry.
I don’t remember your face anymore. And I’m glad I don’t. Haha. Because I should be mad at myself if I still did.
But I remember the good days though, and the not so good ones too. Yes, all of them, all too well.
And I remember the lessons, most of all.
On how much I realized I was willing to compromise,
On how much I was willing to give things a chance,
On how that when I saw something worth keeping, I gave it the space and the time that I felt it needed, and took care of it the best way I could,
On how I looked forward to things, and how I embraced so many new things too,
And on how, until the end, I tried not to resist it, however crudely and in bad taste everything eventually unfolded.
But yah, I wish you well, still.
And I hope you don’t forget how I tried to honor everything like an oath, until now–
In benevolent silence,
Without any shame.
Haha. I guess so.
I hope so. 🌻
Stay faithful, my friends. I’ve missed you all. 😊