five candles

i lit five candles the other day,
edge 1

and put them all in a nice, neat row
edge 2
i forgot to ask what each color meant,
the lady who sold them to me said,
that a color stood for the kind of stuff you wanted to pray for– success, health, career, wealth, love…
what did I want? she asked,
i smiled at her, and bought all five anyway.

 

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

i lit five candles the other day
because there are times in your life
when you get awfully entangled in your mesh of realities,
and find yourself helpless & forlorn,
& surprisingly still naive,
to the fast & cruel transitions of shapes & shadows,
of spaces
& spheres & angles,
of scattered points & straight lines,
of broken curves &
limitless functions– here, now, everywhere.

and even if it feels like you’ve been here before,
and you’re old, 
oh god, you’re old,
and you should’ve known the way around,
you get lost still, anyway, all the same,
and it’s a spiral, and a vortex, and a smudgy wormhole in there,
right in the middle of the confused overlapping of our planes of existence.

 

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

i lit five candles the other day

because i’ve been learning a lot about life now,
like how realities can be strange & skewed,
or wrong & impossible,
or grotesque & so full of pain,
or difficult & delusional,
or ludicrous & abstruse,
& even metaphysical.

and how we often find ourselves irreparably broken,
and we allow it, most of the time, i have to tell you,
when we open ourselves to love,
and it’s inevitable that your heart & mind & spirit be subject to such ruthless purging,
it’s necessary, you need it.
and then you’ll never be that same person again, thereafter.
it’s gravely foolish and absurd and outrageous, really,
and how that, despite everything, you’d still find it funny & amusing & sensible & even tragically beautiful, all at the same time, 
i can never still fully explain.

 

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

i lit five candles the other day
because i have learned a lot about LOVE now too,
stories &
versions of it, i have heard–

of being full of love and yet having no chance of giving love,
of being
showered with love but finding it impossible to give love back,
of wanting love but being incapable of doing the things entailed by love.

of fully giving love and being fully loved in return (oh the dream),
of having found love, & losing it, & perhaps never getting another chance to love again,
of still searching & patiently praying for love,

of loving at the wrong time, in the wrong way, for the wrong reasons,
of not realizing it was love until it was too late,
of never getting a chance to say goodbye,
     
of getting hurt over & over again, but still believing in love, and trying,
of taking another chance,
of being transformed by a complex experience of love,

of missing the opportunity to tell her that you love her,
of realizing you shouldn’t have let her go,
of just loving & loving & loving, no matter what, expecting nothing in return,
–and oh, the list goes on.

 

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸 

       i lit five candles the other day
     amid the chaos & the confusions,
     the storms, the quiet & the calm,
     the frustrations, & the shortcomings,
     the crazy, the rapture, the bliss,
     the lessons…

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

i lit five candles the other day,
for you and me,

i put them all in a nice, neat little row,
and wished they all burned too well & bright,
up until all my quiet hopes and prayers,
get blown away by the wind,
and they get to find you, wherever you are,
and kiss you gently & sweetly on the cheek,
and then they reach that lively hearth somewhere,
ardent and burning,
still arranged in nice and neat little colored rows,
up there in the same lofty heavens that we share,
quietly watching over, and lovingly hovering above us.