It’s funny how it took me some time to sit down, reflect and write about how it felt to officially leave my twenties.
I honestly has several versions of write-ups that I had endeavored to finish before midnight of Sept. 30. Which I also had to revise, and set aside to make stuff up again, and then revise, and then set aside again because they all did not feel right, and then I eventually gave up because I was so tired for the day. 😆
It was my version of a funny, futile, kinda pathetic attempt at a palanca award, and I was so frustrated with myself for not being able to write on my own 30th birthday. 😅
Oh the irony of it all.
A part of me suspects that it had something to do with my birthday falling on the month-end because that’s the craziest time of the month everywhere.
Especially now when the whole world seems to be agitated by forces we don’t know what, that is why everything feels so chaotic, and out of place, and unstable.
Or, well, maybe it was all just me and my birthday blues. Haha
In fact, as I am writing right now, it has dawned on me, how I really needed that birthday post lag to have time to introspect and allow for my conflicting feelings that day to percolate, settle down, and eventually wane in some natural order.
*Sigh of relief*
It is kinda sad, though, to admit that we have come to a point in time where it is tedious to think about meaningfulness anymore because your boss wants you to deliver results instead, and the current worldly person-value standards conditions you to think that your worth is gauged by your titles and bank accounts, and assets, and not by how you have lived a life of integrity, truthfulness, genuine kindness, and good will.
Also, I guess, I won’t be able to write properly until I can take my comprehensive exams (compre) and have my mind cleared of all my concerns.
At thirty (😱), all I’ve been praying for is the strength of mind and heart, and the fortitude of spirit to get by and keep up with those big and elusive dreams of mine.
I also pray for an awful lot of the patience and kindness in the every day. For it is actually difficult to be kind to people really. Haha. Sometimes, it’s just easier to tell people in their faces how they are a**holes, or misogynists, or homophobes, or scheming little b**ches, or awful fakes, or suck ups, or whiny losers, or traitors, or F’d up creatures, or stupid humans, but no, we cannot just do that because we’re all better than that. hahaha.
I am better than that.
So every day, I pray for patience & kindness.
I’m thinking too that maybe I’ll just write at the end of the year or at Christmas when everything will hopefully be nice, and warm and happy.
I must admit that I am quite tired and spent and exhausted nowadays and I do lack the inspiration to write about something really deep and good and life changing. 😕
Maybe too, my funny self tells me, I just need to find love again- the sparkly, magical sort so I can channel my fictional spirit. Or perhaps just that simple, genuine connection of spirits – one that will make me able to make this world a tad better place than the day before. (🤭Wow, did I just say that? 😱😆). Hahaha.
So yeah, I’ll just be posting random sad things here, as what I’ve been doing in the mean time, while I prepare for my compre.
Please do pray for me.
Thank you, universe, thank you, God, for teaching me so many things in the course of my life; everyday I get wiser. Thank you too for showing me how love takes so many forms and for making me understand that I need not seek so much to find it because it is everywhere. I am humbled by your graces and will eternally be grateful.
I’ll see you all when the skies are clearer. 🙂
All my love,