So I wrote this right after I woke up some days ago, and this has just been sitting in my notes bin, waiting for a grand edit and a publish.
The past weeks have been really full and quite exhausting – work load, school requirements, compre preps, MHPH preps, extra curricular stuff, etc. etc., plus I got to watch the Ang Huling El Bimbo play (which I’ll write about in a separate post and) which may have set off a whole range of emotional stirrings in me. 😭😭😭
So yeah, since it’s National Heroes Day here, I get to have some time to put some things in my life in perspective (Thank you, Lord!). Haha. So, here goes:
I woke up, panting, trying to catch my breath.
Unlike most days, when I usually cannot remember what I dream about, the last image that stayed in my sleepy mind, the minute I opened my eyes, was your face.
Again? After so long. Why?
It was still dark outside from my window, and all I could hear was the monotone of the air conditioner and some really early roosters calling out to the sunrise.
And why was your face here again? Singed in my groggy head, too early in the morning? That exact same smart face with a lingering smirk that I last saw you wear that day we waved each other goodbye. Promising to meet again but never got to.
Although this time, your eyes seemed more tender, and sad?
Weird because I don’t exactly know where you are now –
Whether you’d have gone off else where and married a beautiful girl, and went on to have kids of your own. Or you might have stayed the same old discretely funny, introverted, kinda aloof, bookworm that you were, living a full time, no strings attached bachelor life.
I don’t know.
I wouldn’t know.
And in as much as I want to understand, I stayed in bed and lay there, looking at the ceiling, wondering if I was fine, and if I was going to be alright.
Maybe this was that onset of a month long birthday blues stretch, again.
I know too, that I was not stuck in that vortex of you anymore. Nope, I was done with that, and I had sincerely set you free and wished you well in life, like a long time ago.
But why was there a stinging throbbing in my chest again, after so long? That whole feeling that seemed strange and ancient and crude, and distant and confusing.
Now, all I do hope is you are doing fine and, ultimately, happy.
And that this was just my anxious head all playing games with me, the same way it does when I get too overwhelmed with so many things that are happening in my life.
And I have to admit that a part of me wishes that I still had the courage (or the audacity) to tell you about today, the same way I would have had, in the past.
And ask you if you were alright, and how many cups of coffee you’ve had already, and what you were cooking for lunch, or what you were reading now. And maybe ask you too if you have these weird dreams.
So yeah, since I could not do all of that, I lie here, trying to memorize those tender eyes of yours in that soft and warm face, as I prolly will just have to write about this later.
It was still dark outside, I glanced again at the window, and all I could hear were the monotone of the air conditioner, and some really early roosters calling out to the sunrise. And that stinging throbbing in my chest, and a distant voice in my head longingly calling your name. ###