Hi! So I’m writing this in the spur of the moment because why not, right?
I’m pretty sure that, by this time, we all already know that this is how we are supposed to be living our lives– reveling in the magic of as many moments as we can catch, and loving until there’s nothing else more to give. Haha (that last metaphor is a far reach, but WT-Heck).😅
Anyway, so a lot of things have happened in the past months. And I cannot begin to tell you one by one what they were exactly because I can’t. haha.
I mean, I can’t remember everything anymore, because life has just come and gone so fast, way too fast, these months. 😵
And everything has been a crazy hurry really, leaving me in a weird and unsettling yet kinda comforting blur.
I think I may have been walking around with a haze around my head (and my heart somewhat) and it seems to be attempting to shroud my weary spirit with a solace of sorts. 😌
It’s funny how I find myself always crying (ugly crying, but still cute, mind you haha) lately–
in eulogies for dead presidents,
in stories brimming with truth and pain,
even in funny dog or cat videos,
or Saab Magalona’s vlogs about Vito just being himself and Pancho growing up to be a sweet and wonderful boy,
or books (well, this is usual),
or in those fleeting moments that just come by and sweep you off your feet, with the universe telling you a hapless lot of things that you can’t even find words for.
Ugh, you know that feeling?
And yah, it’s a different world now. (This is so dystopic to write, but I am not kidding 😱). Because it’s beyond me– truly, (madly haha), and deeply beyond me to think of how we can never go back to how the world was, just two years ago.
And how, despite technology and all, we were never really prepared for this. Not even a friggin’ briefer, NO. 😫
It’s a pulitzer prize plot, and an oscar winning prod, but it’s not funny when you’re in it.
When it’s real.
When it’s you who’s not even sure if plans for tomorrow will push through, because in this pandemic, what do we know, right?
When it’s you who’s been caught up in the middle of life, and everything is just in a stall,
and time is a cruel plot twist that stirs and then leaves you, and never returns.
And then it even takes with it two full and supposedly fruitful years of your lifetime as it goes.
I still get cognitive (not only dissonance) but derangement and collapse, and gut-level confusion when I think about all of this.
It’s all a stupid, and senseless muddle in there in my head, and I can’t help it, and I can’t even help myself help it.
There’s a primal urge to survive, yes, but how, why– that’s where the questions rain and pour on you, in a barrage, even in the middle of some supposedly quiet, but goddamned night, as it sometimes turns out to be.
It’s a feat, I have to say, to have lived through 2020, and be writing this in 2021. I don’t even remember what the past years were like anymore, seriously.
Now it’s all just a blur, and well, maybe it’s the trauma 😬, but yah, I guess we’re all badass for struggling and coming through.
So now, whenever I find myself embarrassingly tearing up about something I have just read or remembered, I allow myself to.
All this keeping things to yourself bs don’t matter much now, I guess, because well, we know of the many unspeakable things we all had to go through the past years.
Sorry for the word salad. Haha, I’ve been laughing and crying while writing this. 😅
And ahhh, thank you for dropping by here. That means so much to me. 😄
Stay there, and stay faithful, my friends. It’s already July!
Light and love! ✨