#dayThirtyFour #ramblings

so today i remembered to browse through the blog reader feed.
and that had me thinking about the many things i wish to say

during the weekend i asked that my office be rearranged

and today i had new specs on too

amusingly, after all this time, i had not noticed how i had been walking this earth half blind.
even the doctor asked me how old were the pair i was wearing, as if expecting me to say it was 6 years old and age ready for pre-school. hah!
then she told me the new ones were entirely different, and gracious, she was right. i’m seeing better now, waaay better.

so with a new haircut, and a back to being a nerd face and my new perspective, why do people always have to ask why?

should i tell them how change is constant in such a dynamic world we live in and have they not figured that out yet?
how i’m a crazy person struggling to find a niche in a cruel world of few-readers
how i’ve been crying hard (every so often now) after 10 years of not really feeling; for reasons i am not even sure about
how i’ve been keeping myself from running away to somewhere else really far far away
how i don’t know where to go now because my childhood dreams are haunting me bad each night and i really really want to go follow them and i do not just know how
how my life, if you look at it from an outsider view is supposed to be happy – a stable job, a very loving family, wonderful friends, independence, and a promise of brighter things ahead…
but i cannot seem to find joy in anything.

i don’t know how i’ve lost that sense of wonder. and i don’t know how to get it back
i guess sometimes, we yearn for things we do not even know what. and we just yearn. and until we find out what that is, there is that deep and hollow feeling inside you, threatening to engulf you when you’re not looking. so you just continue to yearn.

gaaah. it’s too jumbled up there in my head now, and it’s too dark to see anything inside my heart too. 😦

and there’s this tiny voice suddenly telling me “hey, never lose that sense of wonder”

i cannot remember where i ever heard or read that. so i googled it looking forward to some genius thing i’ve come across with to turn up, but this came up instead…

ahhh, old school and nice intro. my other self must have been listening to this always as i have no conscious recollection of it whatsoever (honestly, haha)

but yeah.

i’m all too wretched to even think about things now and i cannot wait to catch up with my life’s pace sooner

i just wish for peace, universe

good night! 💋