Preparing for the boards while working full time was a life changing thing.
And when I found this write up yesterday in my loose files folder, saved and written in July, I was into a default trance of sorts.
Apparently and quite amusingly, I had never been as stirred as this in life before. haha.

XXIV

She took the weekend off
— tired, scared, confused.

She realized that, perhaps, when you finally come to terms with the limits of your human capacities, you do try to seek solace from things divine, and unknown, and that which you have no power over.

There is comfort in surrender, she had just learned.
As much as there is an assurance that when all of the physical universe cannot promise to keep you, there will be a warm and steady hand somewhere that will hold yours that are trembling & will not let go.

The past months have been a time of introspect for her —
of trying to resolve doubts & fears,
of trying to calm her inner storms that knew no rest,
of the turbulence of wanting and fearing something badly all at the same time.

Now she understood how ambivalence feels like,
how real cognitive dissonance goes,
and how they are both awful,
but how the self is the most pliant of things,
and that as she let herself yearn,
she also saw herself crumble and break and burn all together,
only to be transformed and intricately put back together,
one piece after another.

The past few months have taught her patience;
to put in more hours, when everybody else had already called the night off,
when everybody else had their weekends out & about,
and when everybody else had all the time in the world to prepare.

The past months have taught her more about herself;
how it is okay to fear,
to hope,
to yearn,
to ask,
to wait,
to wish for things,
to dream,
and to dream big,
to feel,
and feel deeply,
to understand,
to give,
and give a little more,
to work,
and work harder,
to sacrifice,
and give up some things,
no, to give up a lot of things,

to let go,
yes, let go,

to believe that things happen for good reasons,
and to have faith still, amid all your doubts,

to fall to your knees,
and pray,
yes, pray.

to be kind,
and be kind no matter what.

and be calm,
and be still,
and be quiet,

to walk extra miles,
and run them if you can,

to be selfless,
and be childlike,
by learning to trust,
and to trust fully,
to surrender,
to hope,
and hope still.

She took the weekend off,
and the weekend’s about to be over.

She was tired, scared, and confused all the same.

But everyday, life was teaching her to be grateful, nonetheless.

She had just realized how one could find meaning and fullness the most,
not in worldly guarantees,
but instead,
and ironically so,
amid life’s uncertainties.