Hi! How are you all?
So it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything at all. Haha. (Well except those #UsapTayo articles that we have so lovingly pieced together to make sure that the topics are more relatable).
And I’m thinking that maybe I had been purposefully keeping myself up and about, and awfully busy because I did not want to listen to my tireless head, swirling with questions that seemed to have had a life of their own just so they can chase and haunt me forever. 😭 haha
It’s exhausting to run away from yourself, quite frankly. But I guess it’s equally tiring too to be caught up, and assaulted by a million different thoughts and questions, when you don’t know, and you still haven’t honestly figured out what to tell yourself exactly (and how, and why). ☹
It’s both –“I knooow,” and “I’m sorry, I don’t know…“
And so I just keep telling myself how things will be better, and they will all eventually fall into their proper places, and they will all soon find peace amongst themselves, too.
But I know.
I know deep in my heart that I’m only just here now, breathing, writing this with some hope because I have actually just kept running,
and running away,
and running further,
and running farther from all of these things that keep chasing me. 😞
Ahhh. But life, it keeps up. Hahahuhu. Oh yes it does. And it catches up on you, just when you are maneuvering, and about to change gears so you can finally step on the accelerator. 🙃
Because, YES, you have to face those shameless questions, and go through all that rigorous cognitive exercise of processing all those many months worth of your life’s sh*ts that you left in a dark and dingy corner of your head, wishing that they’d eventually just catch dust and cobwebs and be buried forever or disappear in your own convoluted web of a mind– lost, forgotten, no where to be found. (Haha, I wish!)
But no, oh no. In this life, we don’t forget.
Even if we want to.
Even if it’s only pain that’s most easy to remember.
Even if forgetting was the least cruel thing of them all.
But yah. I write still, despite this nasty pain in my chest. For the many months that I chose to tread on instead of feel, and be terribly heart sick, and angry, and vulnerable.
And it’s true what they say– there is really no easy way through this.
But you know what, it is in days like these that I’m assured of how I’ve been gracious with my pains, and hurts–
Choosing to honor them in the quiet,
Asking the winds to carry what I can’t to the heavens, in my behalf.
And telling myself, over and over, and over again, that there is a particular strength in kindness.
I guess so.
And I’d like to think, too, that the universe has its own curious way– to heal, to stir, to teach, and to bring things to light eventually. And I’d like to trust that. Even if that is really so awfully hard to do. Haha.
Ahhh, and I know that there is a season for everything. 🌻 And I’ll live through this one, I promise–
–more steadily, more trustingly.
No more running away. 🙂
🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸 🌸
So I’ve actually written a rough draft version of this on my diary hahaha and, yah, just in case you wanted to see it straight out of my heart (ahaha), here goes:
Stay faithful my friends. Sending you light and love. ✨💖