day 105. unsent

i’d have asked you how was your new phone now. i saw your friends tease you about it
i’d have told you i miss you (too?) and i wish i was not far away
i’d have told you i still love you and i’d choose you how many times over anyway
and how i’d live another life in another lifetime if it meant having you
but you would not have any of that, i gather
you would not want any of me anymore
you told me you still like talking to me recently
but you told me you wanted me to be happy and cannot reciprocate all the goodness i give you
how was i supposed to understand that?
i don’t want to think about it anymore cause it just consumes me awfully and i only find myself crying
i wish i could undo so many things
i wish i was better at this
i wish i was stronger and smarter and braver and cold and rough
i wish i was bad, sometimes, so i could hurt you
but i can’t and i won’t be all of that
i just wish that one day, i’d wake up not missing you, not wanting you, not needing you,
not aching to tell you about how my life is, about my plans,
not wanting to ask how you are, not dying to send you all the love i could muster,
or trying to make you feel better, or just being there for you,
i like being there for you
i like calling you cute or the alliterated version of your first name with its s’ and n’s
i like asking you how you are
i like loving you
i wish someday, someone finds me and tells me i’m free to love him the way i’ve always wanted to love you — some mad, crazy artist love that never really fades nor ends nor falters,
some love you don’t want anymore
and i’m sure, some love you’ll never find again
i still would have loved you, even if you told me you don’t deserve it,
yes, i would
one day, i’ll find a love so great i will forget all of this madness
part of me hopes it’s still you though,
but if it isn’t,
i hope it will make me feel how it is to be loved, this time

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