So I spent this weekend just at home, circling back to myself, trying to check my gait as I’ve, for many months now, been treading, sometimes gliding or running (away) or taking a pause or fielding a few steps back, one step at a time or all together.😌😮‍💨

I’ve also filled up a go bag and installed an earthquake app because the tremors of secondhand earthquake trauma are back and weirdly getting to me.

I remember running from my hotel room to the ground floor through the emergency stairs when the Visayas quakes had a season. I don’t even remember how many flights those were, only that I was sprinting for my life while the whole place shook, and my legs gave out when I was in open space. I slept at the evacuation place that night, and with all the news in my feed, that whole episode comes back to me in some warped form. And now, living in the 18th floor, my cruel mind is playing worse scenarios. 😱

But anyway, I just had to sit down and write to quiet this perpetual chaos in my head. My birthday, as it does now, has come and gone, and I feel that I should put out a many, many thanks for the kind words and well wishes. I know it’s late, but please hear me out.

I’ve been, in true tita fashion, crying over funny, touching, cute, nice and heartfelt birthday messages I’ve received from the past week. I also lighted a number of candles for myself and for the many troubles and graces this path has continuously showered my way– like rain, on a muddy trail lined with haunted trees and magical flowers, and just fog straight ahead. I know, I’m good at describing dystopia. 😌

But yah, this year has taught me a lot about myself. I still surprise myself about myself, apparently. Haha. And the past months have made me rediscover a lot of other things about life too.

Two years ago, (ahhh, has it been two years already?) I was at a forked road. And whenever they ask me why I took that turn somewhere, I tell myself (and the people who ask) how that was all an act of faith.

I really did not know where either of those roads led, that time. And when I look back, I could see how very far back that was.

I’m just glad that amid the countless late-night breakdowns while an AI-voice saying the rosary played from youtube in the backrgound, the many questions I still don’t have answers to, and the many things I regularly pray that my little heart could still patiently hold, I’ve survived the whole set of crazy.

I still get surprised how, when you least expect it, there will be people who’d watch a play with you, even if they don’t know a damn thing about it. Who would take a Mcdo happy meal to give you their tinytan figurines. Who would ask you how you are (even if that’s actually slightly annoying, haha). Who would understand if you missed an org or alumni meeting and cover for you because you had been so busy with your day job. And people who would accept you for who you are, even if you’d rather eavesdrop (or listen) than talk, read in a corner than go out, crochet or make origami than go shopping, watch a play or a concert and be a shameless fan girl, swooning over kpop or theater boys, than actually socializing. Haha.

If there’s one thing I’m glad I get reminded regularly, especially on these birthday weeks, it is that I can be myself in full range– which is actually a lot of things.

The weekend after my birthday, I was in Luneta, doing origami with ermita boys, who did not look like it, but who actually paid attention to making paper cranes. They were there both days making rounds, checking out free food, and looking at my half-injured hands folding paper.

The weekend before that, I was in EDSA, marching with a whole stream of people wearing white and black, shouting “Ikulong na yan, mga kurakot!”, not minding the rain, the mud, and the cramped, sweaty, and suffocating way around.

Some weeks before that too, I rewatched a play three times 😅, with different groups of people. I’ve no regrets as I got to see my theater person a few times, and it was my birth month anyway. 😍

And some more weeks before that, I got to spend wonderful manang time with my siblings who were here on separate weeks for a few days.

I guess these are moments that we live for. Mundane points in time and space that get you the feels, and that fuzzy warmth in your heart.

These times are fleeting, but they feel charged with some energy that only the whole exercise of getting linked to your own humanity can give. It’s like a little system reboot to a cranky and overused computer.

It’s always a good grounding for me too, and a reminder that the world is a big place after all. And my crazy is but a speck in the whole multiverse of crazy.

No big and shiny celebrations this year, I guess that’s how it will be in the years hence too. I just wish that when the time comes, I’d be able to tell myself sincerely– congrats, Aiz, your faith (to the universe) has made you. 😌

OMG, is this how it is when you are getting really old? Well, I like it this way.

I raise a glass to all of us. 🥂🍻

Cheers, and sending you all a thousand paper cranes of peace, health, happiness, love, and light.

Stay faithful, my friends, and happy birthday to me! 🥳🎂