TL;DR

Hi, how are you all? 🙂

So I’ve been really struggling to write anything lately, and it feels awful. But yah, I’m here, and I wish to write whatever I can before they escape me as they usually do, and so I give this blog the life update that it needs, especially in these strange times.

I know it’s been months since I’ve sat down here in my vague corner, typing silly things and eventually finding myself ugly crying my life off on paper, and then getting also really proud of myself thereafter for having posted something, somehow, however shameless. Ahhh the ambivalence of it all. 😵 😭

And well, I did not really expect that this month will turn out to be ridiculously wanting and grimly absurd [context: it’s election month, and I live in the Philippines 🙂].

All this tumultuousness I’ve been profoundly feeling of late, is unsettling, really. And I wonder how many (more) cruel strings of heartbreaks do we all have to endure to call it a proper lifetime. 😭🥺

I do feel deeply about the confused realities and the semi-truths that we (have to) live with now. Thinking about all of these bringing us together and pitting us against each other, all the same, gives me that primitive and chilling feeling of existential dread.

How and why have we come to this? 😟

I am exhausted just wondering how, and where to get the energy to deal with people now, whom I’ve realized lately, I don’t know how to trust anymore. It pains me, but well, what can I do?

How do I keep my tender heart from breaking over and over again, whenever I talk to people in sessions and absorb countless stories of this helpless sort of sorrow that I haven’t been really prepared to look at straight in the eye. How do you carefully and painfully listen to each of them, and try your best to console and ease some part of it, somehow.

And this is after you’ve looked hope in the eye too, shaked hands, exchanged smiles and food, endured long hours of standing in the heat and the rain, and reveled in the shared dreams of a better future with it, a few months before that.

Some good things just don’t last, do they? 😕

I don’t know if this is my grief still, insidiously tearing me up from the inside, that’s making me write.

Maybe it is.

And whatever part of me that has died and continues to wilt away in the daily, I’d like to give a proper honoring tonight.

Sigh.

I hope we all find the space and time to regroup when we have to. I know we still have a lot of work to do, especially in our circles. But it’s really fine if you need to pause awhile and sit with these absurd feelings, in the mean time, for as long as you need to.

Stay faithful, my friends.
There is light.

I hope.

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