disfigured

Hello December! 🌻

Since it’s the last month of this crazy year, join me as I do an unceremonious countdown to the year-end. Just so we chase and shoo the bad and painfully inauspicious 2020 spirits away, off to wherever dark world they actually belong to. 😌

So today, as I was having lunch alone (as I usually do in the pantry), I realized how much an absurdly terrible year can disfigure us—

(Take note how I don’t want to use the word transform because I strongly feel maimed by all of this, and I feel like how we cope and adjust is, by all means, actually the only way we can survive. So it’s more like a booby trap, or a sick joke, or like falling into a vicious vortex of nothingness in a sinister corner somewhere.)

Anyway, back to my “disfigurement” realizations. haha. So I really think that the good amount of stirring that this year has done to us, has also revealed (to each of us too) an ugly lot about ourselves, more than, perhaps, what our whole lifetimes may have taught us about our realities through the years, all together.

It has bluntly exposed how much we can actually wait, and hang on, and yearn, and just hold on to the promise of our hopes, in the mean time (however long “mean time” actually really means and takes).
How much we can talk about a many hushed things before like death or suffering or loss or pain or uncertainty.
How we can endure and sustain so many unimaginable things.
And how much we are all still here— you, me, all of us, trying.

Honestly, I have come to a point where I have resignedly just opened my arms to whatever the universe can give me (or us) now. And I have learned not to expect so much, not to demand too much, not to assume that the world overthinks the way that I do, and not to surmise that the world feels and suffers ephemeral things as I .

I have, I admit, learned to be more forbearing, tolerant, and yielding even. And I have come to acknowledge how people try, and when they do, they try their best; so much as we try whatever we can too.

And maybe we’ve all just grown tired trying. Maybe?

And I have learned too, how we love so differently.

That we love in so many forms, in so many levels, with so many hues and nuances, for so many reasons or none at all, but we love, nonetheless. And we try hard as we do.

And more importantly, I have learned to trust.

Yes, I have learned to trust, even if I can’t see what hands are holding me, are holding us, or if there are hands actually holding us together.

Disfigured.

Perhaps being disfigured has its utility, eh? And I’m just glad that I can write, still, and write however, despite everything.

Haaaay.

I hope you all had a good first of December, my friends. Join me in my post-a-day countdown movement. Haha.

#Padayon lang kita 🌻😌



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