Been a while.
And yeah, it feels like it’s been a whole, unending rut too.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m in a good place. In the world’s standards this is– wow, nice. Imagine being at the center of the world, high rise buildings, shiny, posh, and shimmering things here and there. It’s a place you’d know all things are possible.

But in my head, it’s a barren, frozen land. It feels like I know I should be feeling something at some point, but my mind just won’t let me go through all that trouble.

Maybe a tiny space in my head has had a mini explosion and the whole haywired place is now short circuiting.

I don’t know why it feels this way. But I know too that I should sit here and sit with it as long as I can, and as long as I ought to.

I hope that as I stare at the whole big city landscape tonight by my big window from the 18th floor, I find a spark that rewires my fried-egged mind.

I’ve been sitting here the whole night hoping to finish some work but my mind just pans out into the lonely lighted buildings and shuts down.

Ahh, I wish it can be helped. I wish that putting this whole basket of feelings in a dump here will clear a space in my mind somehow.

And how I wish that 2025 will be as auspicious as it felt when the clock got to midnight and ushered in another year and I was making a cheers in the air for God’s mercy. haha.

Is this burnout? Is this just weird hormones? Or is this how it is when you’re getting old? Or is this an out-turn of getting the complete set of vaccines plus boosters during the pandemic? I don’t know, but it all seems to me like the universe’s dark and grim humor again at play.

Haha, funny.

With all of these, I’ve grown used to not expecting anything anymore. I don’t know if that’s something bad and something to worry about. But at some point, I have gotten used to not giving so much as a damn really.

Sigh.

But yah, I hope you’re all still here, fighting your way through life’s weird and crazy. Wishfully hoping for the good days to finally settle in.

I just finished a book before the year ended. I seldom finish reads now, and I feel awful about it. But yeah, that was a small win (finishing a book), and a crude reminder for me that perhaps these years are just my (taking some long) Days at Morisaki Bookshop.

Ahhh I most ardently hope so. And it was a nice book by the way. And I wish we all find that spark that changes things forever. 😭

Keep fighting, my friends. Happy New Year! 💖