love, light

Hello friends, so I wrote and recorded this evening, the writer moment at lunch earlier. 🥲
You may read while the recording plays (you can play on souncloud or listen in browser), just so you feel the love and light. 😌🥲

So here goes…

It’s weird.

Because although I wanted to be a bandwagoner (haha), and write about pain or anger as I would have done by now, I am, surprisingly, more compelled to write about the experience of loving.

And I am comforted by some eternal consolation that I have, in fact, loved but not lost, because I have not loved in vain.

Perhaps having a chaste understanding of circumstances will always transform an experience of pain into a strange and bizarre, and even a divine human experience of love.

I am confused, and at the same time amused at the ambiguity, the ambivalence, and complexity of human emotions that I have seen, and gone through by now.

And as somebody cognitively and professionally dealing with it everyday. I admit that I do not entirely understand this particular experience.

Perhaps, I have transcended into that state of light? Eh?
There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.
-Leonard Cohen

Sometimes I can’t help but think how, perhaps, I really am not of this world. I do guess so. Haha.

And as a writer of sorts, I always just tell myself that I have to go through the tedious belligerence of things, to be able to tell you, my friends, how the capacity of the human heart (or brain)—
to love,
to accept,
to understand,
to let go,
to wait,
to give,
to stay,
and to forgive,

—is not something of this world.

It is a God experience.
An experience you’ll recognize clearly, only as it is done transforming you.

Funny how everybody around me now is telling me to NOT give up on Love.

I have not. And I do not plan to.
In fact, I have believed in it even more deeply.

Especially as I have seen it in a beloved’s distraught face,
in his pained eyes trying to give me answers,
in his shaky voice, and tender touch trying to ask me to help him make sense of the chaos we were in.

And more so as I have felt it in my own hands and touch,
in my own eyes, in my own voice,
in my very own heart — steady, lingering, warm, pure
—trying to tell him how I would not have loved him any less, despite the chaos we were in.
And how it has allowed me to do things I never imagined I’d be doing.

Today, at lunch (I knooow, lunch 😂) I sit with the turbulence of my mind and in the absurd complexity of things that I can’t seem to still fully grasp.
Isn’t it a curious thing to feel complex things?
Hah. It sure is.
It sure is.

And as I close my eyes for now, and rest my weary heart for a while.

I hope that we all find a love, even if only for a fleeting while, that deeply and so genuinely transforms us. And makes us transcend into a state of light.

And so if they leave, if they decide to leave, at least they leave us as another person.

And maybe they’ll come back.
I have a strong sense that pure love eventually finds its own way back into the light.
I hope so. I really do.
In time.
When they’ve sorted out everything that they need to.

Or maybe not.

Or maybe they will.
Maybe they will…

Stay faithful my friends. There’s a reason for everything. 🌻🌻🌻

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