Would you know exactly how it feels, when an unusually heavy load, that you‘ve been carrying for quite a time already, is suddenly lifted, and taken off your shoulders?
Well, let me tell you how it feels, IT FEELS WEIRD. 🤷🏻♀️
And that leads me to saying now, how life is a constant desensitization exercise, it seems. I mean, imagine if we just let the universe get its way all the time, then of course we would, eventually, just get used to things, and it wouldn’t matter if they were outrageous or complex or absurd or unforgiving.
And it’s like a double edged sword, because the one hand tells you that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, and the other hand tells you, however, that that’s because we can get used to even the most wicked and horrendous things possible.
Anyway, so for context, let me bring you back to that time I received my letter from the university secretary last March 6, 2019, it told me (they were pleased to inform me) that I had passed 1/2 of my exams, the Major field, (but regretfully) I will have to retake the other exam, the General field, because I failed it. 😞
Imagine all that mental exhaustion I suffered thereafter, while I was thinking about what I had not touched on when I reviewed, and what else I had to cover when I review again, and when do I start reviewing (again), and what do I tell my excited batch mates who expected me to just ace compre despite me having a full time job and an org and a functional life, and what do I tell my parents who would not mind the failure that much, really, but would surely worry about me. 😫🥴
Ahhhhh, that was a hard year, 2019, really.
I reviewed the whole of 2018 to be prepared for the Nov. 2018 exam, only to find out, four long months after, that I had only passed one subject, and had to retake the other. It’s only now that I realized how I did not even have time to celebrate the fact that I passed the major field, which was honestly what I focused on more, because that’s what they said was the more difficult of the two exams. So yeah, I had to pick myself up right after (like right after I received the email), study again more intensely, and be prepared for the exams which was to be in October 2019 😟😩🥴
So cut to now, after I had spent sooooo many years in graduate school— I started in 2014, and then I took a LOA in between because I was confused about a lot of things (and I usually get away when I’m conflicted), so I reviewed and took the Psychometrician boards in 2016 instead, passed and got my license, and enrolled myself back again in grad school because I felt that I had a proper break, if I may call it that. 😆
AND viola, I just received two emails last Thursday; and one said, CONGRATS, I passed compre (finally), and the other said, I should fill up requirements for graduation. And yes I have been crying. 😭😭😭😭😭
I’m not writing about this to brag, because what is there to brag with me flunking 1/2 of the two most important exams of my grad school life, waiting it out a year, and trying again, and being completely “humanized” by such a powerful experience of failure.
I write this to say that God rewards hard, and sincere work. And if He needs to teach you patience and humility and trust, and faithfulness in His will, on the side, then by all means, He certainly will.
And, boy, it’s OVERWHELMING. 🥴😭
Did I already tell you about how we get used to things? Well yeah, I’ve gotten used to an absurd amount of suffering that it actually feels weird to be told, “Hey, congrats, finish the documentary requirements already because you’re finally donning that 2nd Sablay”. 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Sometimes I actually also wonder if I downplay the many things I deserve, that’s why I ask so little, and give so much. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ But I don’t know, I guess that one sided kind of dynamics does not matter really because that has made me a happier person, actually.
Anyway, so here’s an addendum tweet to that thread I posted last October, which will hopefully be capped with tweets of sablay 2.0. This is my most twitter famous tweet so far, well except when I’m moderating for #UsapTayo 😅, and it speaks of my weird, convoluted and semi confused feelings of happiness & relief.
Stay hopeful, my friends.
And ohhh, happy valentines! 🌻